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Читем онлайн The Testing of a Wizard - Viktor Gitin
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a real friendship has no egotism and no boundaries. But my world wasn’t interesting enough for him. And I was only needed like an object, which you use and then put on the shelf for the next time. And so, he used me and my friendship, only when he needed it. And then he betrayed me. Threw me away and forgot about me like I was a used handkerchief. I couldn’t stand this betrayal. I was young, and apart from his friendship I didn’t have anything at all…I decided to die. All my emotions, thoughts, and desires had to disappear. And dissolve in loneliness. And so, I went into the mountains. Since then, I have settled down here. At the end of the day my loneliness is my punishment and burden for me being young and gullible. But my loneliness is also my way to peace in mind and happiness.
GELO – Has your soul really become that stale and gloomy? Just because of your friend’s betrayal, you have turned your back on the rest of the world?!
HERMIT – What do you know about my soul, a soul of a lonely man!!! It is covered in wounds like a body of a smallpox sufferer. The soul of a lonely man is unable to create something magnificent, to fly and be joyful! It can only moan and sorrowfully watch the world go by. It doesn’t contain love or hatred. The wound of a lonely soul hurts and itches. This itch changes into emptiness and indifference. You want to peel the scab off, but you’re afraid, what if it becomes even worse. Any human contact is like a gulp of liquid in a desert, but you never know whether it is water or poison. And because of this you want to drown into an immeasurable sadness…and you’re surrounded by anguish and emptiness … But I don’t want to change anything! And I will not!
GELO – And with this heartache you hide yourself here from life and people?
HERMIT – Sometimes I come across people. I go down into the valley to the fair. I wonder among the loud and variegated crowd, peer at their faces and their eyes. Trying to understand what they are thinking and feeling about and why they are hustling and bustling…
GELO – To get lost in a crowd doesn’t mean you are a part of them!
HERMIT – I think you’re right, that’s why I seldom do it.
GELO – And how do you feel when you are doing it?
HERMIT – Lonely, but in a crowd. It is a strange feeling; all around you is commotion, conversations, other people’s lives. I’m at center of it all, but it feels I’m on the outside looking in, at people and myself. I walk around and I don’t know who I am, where I am and why I am here. I’m alive but don’t have a life…
GELO – It seems you’re bogged down in your memories. They drag you like a quagmire. Shake it off! One cannot pity himself all life and condemn others.
HERMIT – What’s it to you?!
GELO – I’m trying to understand you because you saved my life.
HERMIT – It’s not my fault; I didn’t do it on purpose…
GELO – Listen! To live in the past isn’t a life but an illusion. Real life is in the present and in dreams about the future.
HERMIT – You’re wrong. A person’s memories are his treasure, his fortune, and his assets. One can’t throw away life experiences out the window, even if they are sad and sorrowful.
GELO – Why throw it away? Stop living in the past, have a look around.
HERMIT – Where?! At the filth of the world? At the people’s staleness and meanness?
GELO – I agree not all people are kind and nice. It’s hard to live in an imperfect world. But it’s even harder to live alone. Why have you doomed yourself to a life of suffering and anguish?
HERMIT – I’m tired of lies and hypocrisy.
GELO – Maybe that’s because you never learnt to love.
HERMIT – But I’m capable of friendship. Don’t you think sincere friendship is equal to love?
GELO – I don’t know. But in my opinion love is superior to virtue and sin, humiliation and retribution, mercy, and compassion. Genuine love is the ability to forgive.
HERMIT – No, I don’t need friendship or love anymore. It’s burdensome, which means it is dangerous for health. Of course, no one has yet to die of love…and I don’t want to be the first one.
GELO – Nonsense! You could still meet and fall in love with a woman who wouldn’t betray your feelings.
HERMIT – I doubt it. The only love which won’t betray you is the love for yourself. With this love you can live all your life and keep your faith.
GELO – Aren’t you even interested in a woman’s beauty?
HERMIT – Women are complicated creatures. When I lived in the valley, I almost went crazy trying to understand them. But I guess I tried to hard. That’s why when I think of women, I don’t tremble with love but instead I get a nervous twitch.
GELO – Looks like you were unlucky. You never met a girl like my Lizy.
HERMIT – You kept talking about her when you were unconscious. What’s so special about her?
GELO – My Lizy is so beautiful, naïve, and innocent. Sometimes I think she is a saint.
HERMIT – It seems dangerous, having a saint for a wife. They usually turn their husbands into martyrs. Are you ready for that?
GELO – For Lizy I am ready to do anything! You wouldn’t imagine what a pleasure it is to hug and kiss my fiancé!
HERMIT – Maybe it’s even better to kiss another man’s fiancé?! Have you tried it?
GELO – I don’t need others! I only love Lizy. Whenever I
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